The text came this morning from a friend at the hospital. I was sleeping and did not hear. Walking up, the first thing I did was grab the phone and look at the screen. She had passed away at 04:55 this morning with her husband by her side. Now what? Do I call? Do I cry? What do you do when you find out a friend has died.
It is hard to think when things like this happen. Calls are to be made. Friends to hug. Condolences to give. The what ifs happen. What if I had just gone to see her yesterday. Then the calls start and your heart opens and the flood gates break.
I have, by far the two best sisters in the world. They both openned their hearts and told me that she was so lucky to have had a friend like me. I don't see why they said that, but thanked them and told them both I loved them. They told me stories of their losses and how it is good that I was her friend and had taken the time to spend with her, especially while she still was aware that people were around.
I can remember when I heard that she was in the ICU after having a stoke last fall. I left the house early, so I could go and see her before work. I arrived and was the only one there. Her husband arrived minutes later as did her sister and the Doctor. She is a fiesty girl and flailed all her appendages when the doctor wanted to see her move. WE all laughed. Now this. What happened? Why did someone so full of life have to die? The questions that come over us when this happens, will haunt us for sometime.
I have another friend who wrote about death and how people see it. She was a hospice nurse for a time. She spoke about the questions that patients have before dying. The timing of this piece was great. As I read, it gave me peace to know that I was not alone in my hunt for answers.
Friends help each other through these times. The hugs and tears are all part of the end of life senario that we all have to go through. Not much makes the transition easier, but it is nice to know that you have others that feel the same way as you do. Everyone says, that they are now with the angels, God has taken them to be with him, and they are in a better place. How do we know that? How do we come to terms with the loss of someone so vibrant and loving of life. I guess that over the years, people find their own ways to cope with loss. At this time in my life, I am questioning a lot of things. This is just one more thing to add to my list. Maybe before it is my time, I will have some answers. Until then, I will be with my friends and family and help my patients in the best way I know how.
So until it is my time to go, I will hold the hand of those who need me, I will be with those who have no one and will be good with the fact that I know I have done what I can. Be well my friend, and wherever you may be, be safe and may an angel (if they are out there) be on your shoulder. You will be missed by many. You will be in my heart always.
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