The following notes are my way of getting through what is happening in my life. Writing my feelings down help me work through my feelings and it is something that I would like to share with my friends and family. All of you have been there to help me and the family through one of the most horrific things that could ever happen to a family.
There are different types of pain. There is the pain of a broken bone, birth of a child, breakups, loss and heartache. I have found that there is one pain that is so bad that some never regain composure after it happens. The loss of a child.
The car drove into the yard. Out gets our daughter-in-law. We have not seen her in some time. The last time she was at our home, was with Mikey to bury our grandson Brennen's dog Duke a few weeks before. She comes to the door with a woman (her mother) whom I have not met. Her face is long and eyes puffy. I open the door to a statement of " I have something to tell you, but let's wait till Mike gets home". "No what is going on"? I yell. "He is gone, Mike jr. is gone. What do you mean he is gone? I say. "He is dead, they found him this morning", she told me.
At that point I don't remember what was said or done. I can remember being on the floor sitting staring at the garbage can. Numbness is all I could feel. I had been crying, don't know for how long. I heard the truck drive in the yard. I went out to meet my husband. He got out of the truck and came over to me. Mikey is gone, I said. Gone where, he said. He died I said. Then our world stopped, everything became a blur of emotions, people calling, messages, family, visitors, appointments, flower arrangements, visitation and funeral services
Friends with prayers and well wishes. Beautiful arrangements and plants. People arriving from out of town. Mikey's kids arriving. Then the day came. Not one anyone every wanted to have come.
We arrived at the funeral parlor before visitation, so we could spend some time with him, before the casket was closed. I have never had such a rush of emotions and sadness. Seeing my son laying there all quiet, made me think of all the times I had wished he was quiet. Right now all I wanted was for him to jump up and yell surprise mom. He always did have a very sick sense of humor. I would give anything for him to call me and say, "Ha, I got you mom". I cry daily. I look at my phone hoping for a phone call. Some days are worse than others.
Our worst day since, was the day of the services. We rounded the corner and saw The Patriot Guard
(about 25 motorcycles) lined up with large American flags. All the riders were standing at attention with a flag in their hand and saluting. That is when the tears started and would not stop. People came and paid their respects. The service was very nice. Shelley, Mikey's wife, held up better than expected, after losing her husband. Her family, by her side the whole time. Chris, one of Mikey's children got up and said some wonderful things about his dad. The boys were devastated. I was so proud of how they acted during and after the service. I had not realized how grown up they had become.
After the service was over, we all got in our cars and had a motorcycle and police escort to the cemetery. On the way, there were cars stopped on side roads and on overpasses, with men and women standing at attention or with their hands over their hearts, paying their respects for the service Mikey gave to his country. It was so overwhelming to see the outpouring from others.
There was a small final service at the cemetery. The Patriot Guard(motorcycle riders) had an honor guard for us when we arrived and left. The uncontrollable rush of tears happened when the service men and women did the 21 gun salute and played taps. This was the final sound that fallen soldiers are given.
After the service, we all left and went to a local restaurant where some friends had a dinner for anyone that wanted to come by and say hello or pay their respects. It was wonderful to just sit down and not have to think. Many came and we spoke of all the wonderful things that had happened throughout his life. Today was the saddest day of our lives.
No wife should have to bury their husband a week after his 44th birthday. Mikey and Shelley had been married for just a short 6 months. To short a married life for anyone.
NO mother should ever have to bury their child. Mikey and I had been at odds for a short time before this tragedy. We were just starting to speak again. We had not resolved all our differences, and that is what has eaten at me since. I have thought about what we could have done differently. I know everyone says that you should never go through the what ifs, but when something like this happens it is hard not to. What if I had just.......
Remember that no matter what happens, never never never say things you can't take back. Stop and think before you speak. You never know what will happen till you get to speak to that person again. Don't think that you will appologize tomorrow. Just remember that, in my case, I did not get the chance to tell Mikey that I was sorry and that I loved him. I will forever wonder what he thought the day he died. I will forever wonder all the thing most people will have a chance to rectify. Always remember that "tomorrow may never come".
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